16. Cube (1997)

Cube is in my top ten favorite sci-fi movies. The premise is amazing :: 7 very different people wake up in an infinite universe made entirely of identical-looking cube-shaped rooms, each with entrances on every side (you could hit it from the back, top, side, etc... just watch out that your johnson [penis] ain't flappin in the breeze or it may get beheaded by a LASER... [if you have a vagina, make sure your labia, flip-flaps, etc., are all properly stowed.]) No one has any memory of how they got there, or any idea why they are there, or any idea how to escape. (You can also hit it "doggy-style," which is where you act like west-coast gangsta-rapper Snoop Dogg while you do it; try saying things like "my shizzle is off the hizzle forizzle, bizzle," which translates in english to "girl, my dick is the shit" in ancient ghetto, and "I do believe my wanker is quite splendid today" in British.)

Cube gets super fun when the you come to know that, although every room looks identical, many are booby-trapped with lethal killing devices of all sorts :: lasers, noxious gases, smelly rotting corpses of those who never escaped, ugly women, hot women with teeth in their vaginas*, Carlos Mencia on big screen TVs 24/7...

*Aside :: Teeth is a great movie. It's about a girl with teeth in her vagina. Fuck condoms -- just watch Teeth once a week and you'll be abstinent for years. Unless you are a girl, then you may wish you too had teeth in your vagina.

"OH YEAH? WELL MAYBE MY COCK HAS TEETH TOO"

lemme check.

nope, how sad. now I can't literally "fuck a bitch to death."

"OH YEAH? WELL MAYBE MY COCK HAS TEETH IN ITS VAGINA"

...

Cube. On the door into each cube-room are a collection of numbers. A way to beat the system? I won't tell you! I can't! No... don't tickle me! Okay fine i'll tell give you a hint :: the autistic kid is good at mathematics! See :: Rainman -- a classic film in which Tom Cruise is actually quite tolerable, although still very short in the height-sense.

Do not see the sequels to Cube. There were never meant to be sequels according to the original director. There is only one true Cube.

Aside :: "I will take the ring, though I do not know the way." - Frodo

...

Characters include an autistic boy (excellently played by the way,) a computer designer nerd-type and an angry black control freak, who I think is a cop (go figure...)

This movie is a metaphor a for a godless world. No one is there for seemingly any reason, no one seems to be in control, no one seems to be watching. The cube is just there. There is no creator, there is no answer, there is no God. No one is listening to you complain, either. The 7 chosen rats in the maze have only themselves to bicker to. And as is the tendency of humans, they are not always very helpful to eachother. The world of cubes is only a simplified version of the world we all live in -- we are all just here. We didnt ask for it, we dont always want to be here, we don't kill ourselves (mostly because we dont have enough guns or drugs,) we can't run away, we are not able to fly. We have only eachother. It's sad, it's beautiful, we all die. Crazy.

The whole movie was shot in a single cube-shaped room, even though in the movie there are seemingly never-ending cube-shaped rooms in every direction, each with its own hidden death-a-ma-jigs and killtraps (some without... the tension!)

This is the type of movie that could have been horribly executed (as many sci-fi films tend to be) because the progression of the movie is reliant on characters alone. There are no props, no setting changes, only the never-ending system of cubes, and 7 unlucky people. What's great is the acting is damn decent. You care for the characters, and better yet, they arent movie-stars -- so you are dropped into the cube not knowing anyone, just the characters as they are.

It's so simple! It's too brutal! It's a shape! It's a one-syllable word! It's a box without a lid! It's a square in 3-d (sort of)! It's a mystery! It's fun! It's sexy! It's atheistic! Diabolic! Anti-septic! Good fun for the whole family! On sale! Buy it now, take it home, wash it off, put it back on! Let bygones be bygones and be gone! Fuck the shire! This is Cube, motherfucker! Fuck Dildo Baggins and Carlos Mencia (especially Carlos Mencia!)! Up with Dave Chappelle and big skies and CUBE!

I first saw Cube when I was in a phase of seeing movies with one word titles that don't include "the" at the beginning ::

Pi

Cube

Sphere

...

It's math without class! It's violent! Did I mention it's sexy?! Lo-fat! HIGH FIBER... so you can poop real good, all one piece, send the snake deep into the lake, wake 'n' bake, toys R us, we IS you.

Don't be a boob... go see Cube!

And now a brief poem ::

my brain is a lake

in which fish don't have gills,

but lungs...

swimming faster

i look for some lunch

but tis nothing to eat

for the fish have all died

cause they couldnt fucking breathe

underwater

lub,

alec g

15. Natural Born Killers (1994)

To say that you must watch this movie on mushrooms or entirely stoned is probably too much... the movie is a trip in itself :: a big circus with its weirdo angles and color filters... i won't even dare to use the term "special effects" because they are basic, crude, and poorly done. nonetheless, they're wonderful.

But [being fucked up] does make it a lot better --
You can feel ( and of course, envy) their demented killing spree and you don't even feel bad about loving it... if you're stoned.

Played by Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis are Mickey and Mallory Knox :: infamous, rebellious, sick, sexy, disgusting. heartless, but with a dangerously passionate love for one another -- and that is all that matters.

If, in real life, anyone fucked the police as hard as Mickey and Mallory Knox I'd be a total fan, no matter how many innocent bystanders they massacred.

Both of them are very potent characters, strong headed and totally insane. Mallory not so much in the beginning but that's part of her charm. it's... the classic idea of the boyfriend lover sweeping the young girl off of her feet and away from the domestic imprisonment of her fathers home. but way more hardcore. we get to tap into the seemingly endless acceleration that is the thrill of being on the run, in love, and fucked up. where is the end to this ride? route 666 stops somewhere...right?

After falling in love with their destruction you forget about every moral and value you might have clung to at any point in your life and all you want is for these lost yet determined souls to overcome every force which attempts to keep their freedom and love away from them. it's a beautifully demented story. a twisted journey. and most of all, a good time.

Btw :: included for only $3/mo. are Rodney Dangerfield, Edie McClurg, Robert Downey Jr., Tommy Lee Jones... if that doesn't get you I don't know what will.

14. Stranger Than Paradise (1984)

Stranger Than Paradise is in black and white.

black and white movies as an artistic choice are a tricky thing. i sort of hate "film noir", especially if it's put out recently. (for clarity: stranger than paradise is NOT AT ALL film noir). it seems like the actors are acting like the actors from past... in other worse... worse, sort of. newer film nourish stuff just seems too cheeky (a british word meaning "resembling ass cheeks") or something. picture george clooney, if her were british, wearing a suit, staring in the mirror laughing at how good-looking he is, in black and white, with really hot women who really know how to dress well (covering up is sexy, instead of bikini's or titties swinging loose) but are horribly annoying and slutty, or at least they kiss a lot of dudes and then the scene cuts and it's implied they did it doggie, without a rubber.

maybe film noir is just fun for the actors.

stranger than paradise is great in black and white.

Stranger Than Paradise is a minimalist film.

in other words, there ain't a whole lot of shit going to happen, ain't a whole lotta fluff (or maybe it's all fluff.)

i find minimalist films, whenever i recognize them to be so, are the closest films come to portraying "real life" (a thing i imagine, and am told about, although am not sure if i have ever seen myself, especially since the epic film dan in real life). real life is minimalist. you drive the car, it's quiet in the car. in minimalist film, the big things become small. small movements of objects in a room, or a mumbled three words after minutes of silence, become bigger, more... "meaningful". watching, you become sensitive to small changes, so the small changes become just as big as the big changes in a big movie, where big things happen (bank heists, orgies, bombings of small towns, etc.)

look at it this way: I'm listening to recording artist the books right now and they use an audio sample of a woman singing "you get used to hangin' if you hang long enough." if you watch silence for long enough, it becomes the norm, your brain gets into a rhythm with it, you start to breathe its pace. this might be why it took me a few minutes of "trying" to watch, before Stranger Than Paradise stopped feeling a tad... slow. then you slow down with it. it goes at the pace you normally go at, just ya know, living. you get in the groove. (too be watched in company of wine, not cocaine)

sidenote: i wish people went to the bathroom on camera more often, and almost "randomly", in movies. like in a serious movie when someone's got some heavy pondering to do... maybe an early thirties woman choosing between two men, one to become her romantic, fuck-everyday, eventually do her-in-the-butt, get married, get kids, stop fuckin', renew their vows in hopes of jump-starting their sex-life, failing, cheering V for Viagra, and then dying holding someone's hand instead of... not. the one not chosen by our indecisive woman gets their dick chopped off at the hand of a weak midget with a dull knife in a dungeon, and right before he dies, he's told that the matrix is real and that they are in it.

anyway, why not cut to the perplexed woman taking a shit? what if she "DROPS THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL" and then "REALIZES WHICH DICK WENT DEEPER"?

Stranger Than Paradise has three main characters, 2 guys and a girl.

i find this amount of people, in this gender ratio, to be one of the most interesting small groups in both real life and movies. 3 is the smallest "group". one can die and ya still got two, enough for them to not have to masturbate or commit necrophilia, but to simply do it out of the kindness of their hearts, wide-eyed spewing the beauty if simply-being-alive out of all orifices (a juicey substance resembling the popular beverage "kool-aid" if it came in a flavor called "soul of the poet").

The female character in the film comes from Hungary to new york and carries around an audio-cassette-tape-player that always has the same tape in it: screamin jay hawkins.

"it's screaming jay hawkins, he is a wild man."

minimalist movies become about the details, about the tiny strange things that make real, real. normal movies have a box of cheerios, minimalist movies have screamin jay hawkins on tape from Hungary. and i would argue, this is why it can feel so real. for instance, my buddy conor has a "screamin jay hawkins" t-shirt (which is, if i remember correctly, black and white). he's had it forever, i know it well, and it is really the only relationship i have with the name "screamin jay hawkins". specifics are easier to personally pocket and organize than... having to imagine being part of an oil-drilling team which gets chosen by NASA to land a space ship on an ASTEROID and blow it up with NUKES. (see armageddon, on TNT nightly.)

and when stranger than paradise is all over, you care about the characters as if you saw horrible things happen to them, as if they saved little timmy from being killed by a bus (launched by an asteroid), as if they were bruce willis in die hard, barefoot, bloody, mp5 automatic machine gun in (one) hand, right after he's saved an entire building of hostages from some foreign terrorists with bad morals, bad hair, bad fashion. i like to think you simply like these three characters cause they are people. people you could meet. (nevermind about caring for them as much as bruce willis in die hard, he went through that whole movie with no shoes...)

i dont actually know much "fact" about minimalism... anyone know more? off the dome?

but be sure to catch stranger than paradise. it is moving without moving too much, twisting my nipples without too many plot twists, jerking me off without jerking me around (or causing undue chafing)... you get the picture.

love,

Alec

do watch the preview. it's "epic".

13. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Hello hello Hello...

Sorry about the lack of movie posts... I have no excuses! Good thing I don't need them because this is not school. If this was school I couldn't say "DILDO" like I did right there for no reason without some kind of awkward repercussions.

That's why I don't go to school... because I want to say "dildo" whenever I please.

If that makes you uncomfortable... fuckin go to school or shit.

Leaving Las Vegas is my favorite movie. I do not say this jokingly, or in a "yeah yeah it's my favorite" type of way. It really is my favorite movie. Ever. Of all time.

It's about a man (Nic Cage) who goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death.

For me, this movie goes into several categories that other's don't ::

First :: It goes into the "If - It - Comes - On - I - Have - to - Watch - It - In - Its - Entirety - No - Matter - Who's - Dying/GivingBirth - Around - Me" category. There are others in this category -- just ask the dying -- but there aren't many.

Second :: The world stops turning when Leaving Las Vegas comes on. All other things become meaningless, like a previous life thought of in the midst of an acid trip -- there is only the present.

Third :: When the movie comes on, I always make it a point to be drinking hard liquor, without a mixer or chaser or any of that other "pussy-shit."

Fourth :: This movie is an event to me. A few months ago, I was at a loss for what myself and a friend should do while drinking our 40 ounces of malt liquor. As we sat in the car, drinking them, I realized Leaving Las Vegas was coming on television within the hour.

We drank through the movie in silence... with every scene becoming more and more inebriated... sinking deeper and deeper into the sad beauty of a man determined to die from the very substance that was so making us warm and delighted and dark and distant.

We took one smoke break, and had little to say... (40 ounce containers of malt liquor usually give me a lot to say, but) Nic Cage said it for me. Something along the lines of "damn, I like drinking..."

At one point his character says he forgets why he's drinking but knows he must continue. THIS is balls. This is a man with will power, with grace, with dignity.

His wife and child leave him, his work fires him. He cannot function in a normal society. So instead of getting help, instead of adjusting himself to society -- conforming to some place in which he is not welcome or wanted -- he makes his own rules. He burns most of his possessions and with a smile on his face, a bottle in his hand (and a shopping cart full in the car,) he drives to Vegas with the goal of dying... of drinking himself to death.

And it gets interesting where he meets a hooker named Sera... his "angel."

Obviously they fall in love. But, strong of a man as he is, he tells her his one rule :: "You can never tell me to stop drinking."

The pace of the movie is beautiful, the acting and characters perfectly caressed into something greater than a film, but an idea of life. Death and life are whatever we want them to be. If we want to die, we can. We can indulge to the fullest, as long as we know the consequences. And, maybe, if we welcome those consequences with open arms, we are doing the right thing for ourselves. Maybe we have to do it too much, take it too far, maybe even 'til death.

If Nic's character in this movie isn't "punk," I don't know what is.

There are basically two characters in the movie, which makes it even more amazing than it is so well acted through and through.

The soundtrack is incredible. And I don't usually say so about movies with saxophones and jazzy horns going in only a few parts.

It's also hilarious, as most good, horribly sad, depressing movies about drinking are.

"We do not kick the bar, we lean into the bar."

I also love this movie because fuck symbolism. Fuck analyzing what it all means. It all means nothing cause it's drunk and it wants to die. And it makes a rule and follows it and all you do is watch that rule be carried out -- What an amazing expedition to undertake as a film maker :: No real plot twists, no special effects or action sequences... only a simple idea... one that could have ended up as a stupid, horribly acted piece of trash.

Nicolas Cage is truly one-of-a-kind in this movie. This is the Cage we used to know. The Face-Off Cage. Drunk Cage... (he does play a great drinking man.)

And you'll notice in even his current films about the end of the world and such (why's he doin all these stupid ones lately?) he always seems to have a bit of a problem with the dranky danky. And always likes the hard stuff over beer.

You cant go wrong with this one. Take a seat, pour yourself a glass of bourbon (but have the bottle close by) and sink deeep into your seat. Time to watch a genius play a punk in one of my favorite films of all time.

relax,

Alec

Just watching the trailer gives me the tingles...

12. The Running Man (1987)

a poem.

arnold schwarzenegger...

yes he was the terminator

and now, the gods require, that he's the governator.

cause in all of his many films

he never, not once, says "cya later"...

but always he'll "be back."

and although we know it's best

terminator sits with the rest...

cause im prepared to take a stand

to vote for running man

as the best arnold movie ever

not depending on the weather

nor daytime/nighttime treasures.

the setting is a game

it's a show, in a future american flame

like a soaring, falling paper plane

where the convicts, seen as lame,

fight the "good-guys" to the death

in a game called running man.

and although he was convicted

he was wrongly - (feds hand picked 'em)

he must fight the fight,

that no one's ever won... but he just might.

it's the future and the tv's

are as big as yoda's "maybes"

which are huge

(cause he never guesses)

he wears spandex through the cold

and the battle scenes are bold

no one has ever won the game

the running man...

but he swears to take a stand,

find the rebels,

start a band,

and he'll never die before the score is settled.

watch this movie

it will be groovy

then hock a loogie

touch a boobie

and move on.

the end

::

basically, it's the future, and there's a very popular game show called the running man where convicts are brutally killed by all sorts of different "hero" type characters on national television.

it's my favorite arnold schwarzenegger flick... only a possible second to...

the terminator

kindergarten cop

eraser

commando

terminator 2

end of days

the 6th day

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

love,

Alec

you WILL enjoy this:

11. Batman Returns (1992)

Batman in 1989 was way different than the current Christian Bale interpretation. Jack Nicholson's Joker was way different than dead Heath Ledger's. But it was 1989... Prince wrote/produced/performed/etc. an additional soundtrack to the movie (much like Jay-Z did with American Gangster) including the hit song "Batdance." It was simply a different time. Batman was a decent movie, and still much better than George Clooney's late-90s version (when asked if Clooney had ever played a gay or closeted role, he responded "yes, Batman.")

1992's Batman Returns was better than the first... Tim Burton's directing again and here we've got Danny DeVito (known from the hit television series "It'S AlWaYS SuNNEE iN PhILAdELPhIA," which, by the way, I think blows...) playing the orphan Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot (the Penguin,) and Michelle Pfeiffer as a bat-shit insane milk-chugging latex-stitching Batman-humping version of Catwoman that beats the christ out of Halle Barry's take (note :: i did not see Catwoman in theaters. I DID, however, buy the DVD for $2.99 and I couldn't get through the first 10 minutes of it. It's bad. Really bad.)

Unfortunately, Michael Keaton plays Batman again. He was good in Beetlejuice, but as Bruce Wayne he's kind of a silly motherfucker. Not that Bruce Wayne isn't a silly motherfucker -- I mean, the whole concept of "The Bat-Man" is really fucking silly... but somehow in the comics (where Batman was intended to live, folks) he comes off as a real serious motherfucker who seriously fights serious bad guys and the serious problems Gotham City faces... it's a haven for crime, poverty, and overall economic-meltdown-steampunk SHITE. Nobody's ever really happy in Gotham until maybe the end of the movie or maybe a huge ritzy gala up until the point where a villian barges in to make a political statement (which only becomes a political statement... really they're just tripping balls)... it's not like Superman's Metropolis and it's really not like Spidey's Forest Hills, NYC. It's just a crappy overgrown, dense-as-fuck, absurd, definitely-east-coast, dark, dirty, disturbing place. Why don't they ever show the suburbs of Gotham? Where's Gotham's New Jersey? It seems like once you enter Gotham, you never leave... and you have to deal with really insane people dressed up as penguins, cats, clowns, etc. with mechanical midget voodoo skeletons on motorcycles and robotic-equipped sewer penguins, whom the city considers "common" criminals. Tim Burton does a great job at creating this fictional world... this is not a headtrick like the Matrix... Your savior is really just a dude dressed in a bat suit. Suspend all belief and just enjoy the action and the campy dialogue and the goddamn beautiful scenery. Did I mention it was Christmas? DID I MENTION CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS IN THIS ONE? You can't really argue with that...

Also, I owned this video game, and it was really hard ::

That's some poor-boy's Gameboy shit right there. I don't even know if Gameboy was out in 1992... thanks to the internets, I could find that out right now if I decide to give a shit... Anybody else remember those Tiger games? They had one for everything. No? Ok.

I eventually got a Gameboy and eventually Christopher Nolan took over (/restarted) the Batman film series and then Heath Ledger died and maybe there'll be another one and who knows, nobody reads the comics anymore anyway. If anybody wants to talk comic books or trade paperbacks, don't be scared. Transmetropolitan is the best "book" I've read in a long time and it just so happens to have REALLY COOL PICTURES TOO. Jamesey Mamesey can offer you good suggestion on which Batman titles to pick up... I, myself, would recommend Frank Miller's the Dark Knight Returns. It's so fucking good.

Oh, and here's the real trailer for the movie... check it out. It really doesn't even look that dated so long as you aren't watching it on VHS n whatnot... ::

10. The Matrix Trilogy (1999, 2003, 2003)

i was sitting with my friend mamesey jay ("mamesey jay, he's the one for you and me... mamesey jay, we could grow a mamesey tree...", as the song goes) watching the 2nd movie in the Matrix series (entitled Matrix: Reloaded, obviously an ode to the amount of guns used in the trilogy, regardless of almost every character's ability to avoid bullets without even the smallest amount of mental strain, or possibly a reference to neo's much improved sperm count) when i realized that, even though i had seen the film at least twice before, i had no idea what was going on. no clue. i mean, cmon, im not a n00b... i knew whether they were in the matrix or not (you can tell cause of their clothes!!! matrix = cool clothes!!) but i didnt know who some of the characters were, or really how they were involved at all with the one they call "the one". ("dude, which one? dude, the oonneee."

so mamesey and i broke it down old school and watched the whole trilogy again. and, i think, figured it all out.

neo is jesus christ.

morpheus is john the baptist.

james and i are never going to college cause it would make us too sad.

at least 2 of the characters in Reloaded are what we in this world know as "vampires". they are "notoriously hard to kill". i missed this the first 2 times round. all that action involving Trinity and her tight leather batgirl getup must have distracted me. although, the word "vampire" is never said, so it is kindof hard to catch. it's in the subtits, i mean text.

2 other characters are what we in this world know as "ghosts". they... do what ghosts do and can turn all see-through-like and go through walls and such. they also have dred-locks, as do most ghosts that i've seen lately. then again, you never know when you've been hanging with mamesey jay, in jamaica (where i assume everyone has dred-locks and is very into bobsledding and fat white men.)*

*this is a reference to Cool Runnings. if you haven't seen Cool Runnings please get a refund for the life you have. try one that envolves watching Cool Runnings at least once a year. try visiting your local bestbuy. try a yard sale. try wall-mart for fucks sake. (fuck it! try old country buffet!) may the lord have mercy on your soul.

both the ghosts and vampires mentioned above are programs, not humans. these programs are referred to as exiles, because they are no longer useful in the machine world, or in the matrix. they have no purpose and therefore must hide and be independently good or bad, their own decision. cool idea.

'nother cool idea :: i slap around many movies because, although the action heroes may look cool in their black, leather, tight gear, what they are often wearing is impractical, in any version of a real world, to a very high degree (although arnold shwartzennegar is never really guilty of this due to his way of looking austrian and sexy in cargo pants/shorts... something about grenades and testes and man-shit). examples may include tomb raider... and a lot of action movies that i cannot think of currently. the Matrix is not guilty of this. within the matrix itself, neo and his friends are not dependant on the physical, but their mental prowess and ability to fight and function. they can wear sunglasses inside, in dark places because they don't really need to see with their eyes at all. it is all in their heads. i like it. an excuse to look too damn good. morpheus likes reptile skins, neo's more of a western-take-on-an-eastern-idea type guy.

and dont we all loooovvee the idea of "residual self image"... the way your brain imagines you to look, subconsciously ofcourse, depicted in the matrix. what does my brain think is the ultimate cool for me? awesome idea. "spandex... it's a privilege, not a right."

thought: why arent there any fat people who have come out of the matrix? is it because they dont pick the fat ones cause they hate the fat? what if "the one" was fat? would they be like "fuck it, fuck zion, he's fat"? or does the body in the pod in the real world not get fat when that same fat person in the matrix gets fat off the fatty-foods (potato chips, etc.)? but why are they all so phat? like phat farm? where they grow ghetto people from nutrient rich soil since the late 20's, all natural organic, ghetto people, fat free, always phat, hold the jelly, take a number and pass it on, play by the rules, be independent, be true, be yourself, be me, phat farm, all natural, herb enriched, fertilizer free, free trade ghetto people, straight from the back yard, fenced-in till ripened perfectly and bagged in easy-store freshbags resealable even though you'll eat all them phat people real fattin' fast cause your fat and dont ever need to reseal anything, you know what they say, once ya' fat ya' cant get fatter, once ya' pop you start eatin more...

what, really, is the difference between phat and fat? and fad? for that matter.

does any idea how long the 3 movies take place over? could be days...a few months... im not sure.

yes, i may have a fat-complex (known in the underground phat-zone [which lies deep under the phat farm fields, fresh pickin] as a "cimema-plex") (hope you caught that.) but fuck it! butt-fuck it! ima get phat and fat and warm. feed me chicken, i'll watch dem matrixes many times over, looking endlessly to identify with one fat person that is not in the matrix itself, but the real world. fuckin hollywood, godamn fat-jealous. "the larger the waist-band, the deeper the quicksand." - from Spinal Tap

anyway, just though i should note i "revisited the matrix" (you'll get that one if your hardxxxcore matrixxx style like neo and shit) and found it is pretty awesome if you actually follow it. otherwise it's just a bunch of awesome action and cinematography (which is cool too... if YOU'RE GAY...)

my son is gay, gay! (if you don't understand this reference, please search youtube for "my son is gay". or go back to the asterisk. if you (still) havent seen Cool Runnings OR this video i'm going to have my little brother beat the shit out of you. he goes to COLLEGE outside of CHICAGO and is built like AN ATHIEST VIN DIESEL. (also watch out he may fuck your ugly sister somewhere where i can hear it. kill me.)

thanks for playing

fat ALEC (falic)