7. Pitch Black (2000)

Pitch Black is Vin Diesel's earliest big movie that I can remember. It came to us in the year 2000 (and can we take a minute to note how strange that is? "what year?" "the year 2000"...) after we didn't die from some Y2k disaster, no computers exploded and the power didn't even go out. We were desperate -- looking for an apocalypse wherever it may lie. And so, in our time of need, we got Vin Diesel. And ain't he a cutey-pie.

I remember watching this years ago and noting I had never seen Vin Diesel before. He was a new shape to me, a new Arnold Shwartzeneggar (geuzundheit!) for a younger, less Austrian generation. We craved American muscle, not the body-builder-from-Europe stereotype which had become the standard for action movie progress. And I don't just mean Arnold. There's also Jean Claude Vandammnm (from great films such as Bloodsport and Universal Soldier.)

And you could compare Vin Diesel in Pitch Black to Arnold in Terminator for days and days (if you had enough cookies and milk to go 'round.) The muscles, the man-of-few-words, the subtle humor in the way they see the world, the robotic-ness, the all-powerfulness, the pragmatism of each character. Terminator made Arnold big and I'd argue this film made Vin Diesel big, at least in that underground sense... (your sister never saw Pitch Black, but that hefty cousin of yours from the boonies definitely has a signed poster.)

Aside: my right nipple, in all seriousness, really itches right now. Does anyone know what that means? Am I lactating? I hope so... I love milk and I'm thirsty. I also enjoy the idea of being able to give milk to others, wherever I may be. Thirsty? Suck my nipple. No, the right one.

Lets break it down.

It is the undefined future. A space ship carrying a motley crew of people crashes on a foreign, alien planet, with seemingly no way to get home. Vin Diesel was a convict being transported on this flight, but after ship crashes the others realize they may need this insane, buff, balding-in-a-young-way man to get them home safely. But how do they trust a man who's been in prison most of his life? I mean... how do you trust a man that buff? Motherfucker could break you in half...

The planet is a wasteland. It seems the human life that was there before has all been exterminated by... something. Buildings are boarded up, no bodies are even found.

It is always light on this planet. Very sunny, indeed. But the crew (of about 15 survivors) notices a model of the planets, found in one of these creepily empty buildings, which indicates a total eclipse occurs every 22 years for 1 full day. That day happens to be tomorrow for the unlucky survivors. Hoorah for us!

So it's going to be dark for one hellish day. What could happen? Oh no! Anything but giant bats that are afraid of light coming out of the ground and looking to eat for the first time in 22 years! Anything but that! How will we see at all? We are running out of flash-lights!

We won't see, but Vin Diesel will see better than ever! During his time in jail (which we can assume was quite a long bout of making people his bitches,) Vin Diesel had his eyes surgically adjusted to be able to see in the pitch dark... (apparently in these futuristic jails, you are locked up without light for years at a time, which doesn't explain his decent full-body tan, but maybe they have tanning salons in the jails... I mean if you have surgery...) So Vin Diesel, the mysterious convict no one knows about, is their only hope.

If you didn't know already, Pitch Black is the last movie in a series called The Chronicles of Riddick. They made at least one of these movies but they really aren't very good, sort of like Terminator 3... (Terminator 2 is the shit.) It's just not serious or believable enough. Chronicles is too much focused on Diesel's character, Riddick. Pitch Black is so great because the focus is on all of the surviving crew, and how each handles this hopeless situation :: the European guy drinks and talks about Paris, the religious man has his faith, Vin Diesel is buff. And that's what's great about Vin not yet being famous. We like him so much because he is not the focus.

But not all of the characters are all that like-able. Each has good and bad sides which constantly surprise the viewer. No boxes, no cells. We outta jail and into Hell.

And, obviously, the whole film could be seen as a dark, convincing, unpredictable metaphor for... whatever; walking through the dark valley with your worst enemy, who you need to survive... etc. but, to be honest, there are some movies I really hate putting metaphor onto, and this is one of them. Its a great action, horror, sci-fi flick starring a star who isn't yet a star... so they don't slut him around all cocky-like. You learn to love him, you aren't supposed to love him.

Similar movies include The Terminator, Road Warrior, Mission to Mars...

I love movies where people come across remains of civilization with no explanation of why they left or where they went. Horror = mystery with aliens/monsters.

Since Pitch Black, I feel Vin Diesel has been typecast a bit and only plays the caricature of a character that was the incredible Riddick in this film. This was his best. He's funny and almost soft-spokenly wise. He's honest. He's cute. Gotta love him. I love it when the good guy's the bad guy, when everyone is good and bad.

Lately I've been thinking "comedy" movies are some of the least funny movies around. It's movies that are so serious from the get-go that have the most opportunity to be funny; that nervous laughter, that giggle in the horror of it all.

So enjoy... it's definitely a wild ride on some crazy-ripped shoulders.

Alec of the GAS STATION writers' club.