10. The Matrix Trilogy (1999, 2003, 2003)

i was sitting with my friend mamesey jay ("mamesey jay, he's the one for you and me... mamesey jay, we could grow a mamesey tree...", as the song goes) watching the 2nd movie in the Matrix series (entitled Matrix: Reloaded, obviously an ode to the amount of guns used in the trilogy, regardless of almost every character's ability to avoid bullets without even the smallest amount of mental strain, or possibly a reference to neo's much improved sperm count) when i realized that, even though i had seen the film at least twice before, i had no idea what was going on. no clue. i mean, cmon, im not a n00b... i knew whether they were in the matrix or not (you can tell cause of their clothes!!! matrix = cool clothes!!) but i didnt know who some of the characters were, or really how they were involved at all with the one they call "the one". ("dude, which one? dude, the oonneee."

so mamesey and i broke it down old school and watched the whole trilogy again. and, i think, figured it all out.

neo is jesus christ.

morpheus is john the baptist.

james and i are never going to college cause it would make us too sad.

at least 2 of the characters in Reloaded are what we in this world know as "vampires". they are "notoriously hard to kill". i missed this the first 2 times round. all that action involving Trinity and her tight leather batgirl getup must have distracted me. although, the word "vampire" is never said, so it is kindof hard to catch. it's in the subtits, i mean text.

2 other characters are what we in this world know as "ghosts". they... do what ghosts do and can turn all see-through-like and go through walls and such. they also have dred-locks, as do most ghosts that i've seen lately. then again, you never know when you've been hanging with mamesey jay, in jamaica (where i assume everyone has dred-locks and is very into bobsledding and fat white men.)*

*this is a reference to Cool Runnings. if you haven't seen Cool Runnings please get a refund for the life you have. try one that envolves watching Cool Runnings at least once a year. try visiting your local bestbuy. try a yard sale. try wall-mart for fucks sake. (fuck it! try old country buffet!) may the lord have mercy on your soul.

both the ghosts and vampires mentioned above are programs, not humans. these programs are referred to as exiles, because they are no longer useful in the machine world, or in the matrix. they have no purpose and therefore must hide and be independently good or bad, their own decision. cool idea.

'nother cool idea :: i slap around many movies because, although the action heroes may look cool in their black, leather, tight gear, what they are often wearing is impractical, in any version of a real world, to a very high degree (although arnold shwartzennegar is never really guilty of this due to his way of looking austrian and sexy in cargo pants/shorts... something about grenades and testes and man-shit). examples may include tomb raider... and a lot of action movies that i cannot think of currently. the Matrix is not guilty of this. within the matrix itself, neo and his friends are not dependant on the physical, but their mental prowess and ability to fight and function. they can wear sunglasses inside, in dark places because they don't really need to see with their eyes at all. it is all in their heads. i like it. an excuse to look too damn good. morpheus likes reptile skins, neo's more of a western-take-on-an-eastern-idea type guy.

and dont we all loooovvee the idea of "residual self image"... the way your brain imagines you to look, subconsciously ofcourse, depicted in the matrix. what does my brain think is the ultimate cool for me? awesome idea. "spandex... it's a privilege, not a right."

thought: why arent there any fat people who have come out of the matrix? is it because they dont pick the fat ones cause they hate the fat? what if "the one" was fat? would they be like "fuck it, fuck zion, he's fat"? or does the body in the pod in the real world not get fat when that same fat person in the matrix gets fat off the fatty-foods (potato chips, etc.)? but why are they all so phat? like phat farm? where they grow ghetto people from nutrient rich soil since the late 20's, all natural organic, ghetto people, fat free, always phat, hold the jelly, take a number and pass it on, play by the rules, be independent, be true, be yourself, be me, phat farm, all natural, herb enriched, fertilizer free, free trade ghetto people, straight from the back yard, fenced-in till ripened perfectly and bagged in easy-store freshbags resealable even though you'll eat all them phat people real fattin' fast cause your fat and dont ever need to reseal anything, you know what they say, once ya' fat ya' cant get fatter, once ya' pop you start eatin more...

what, really, is the difference between phat and fat? and fad? for that matter.

does any idea how long the 3 movies take place over? could be days...a few months... im not sure.

yes, i may have a fat-complex (known in the underground phat-zone [which lies deep under the phat farm fields, fresh pickin] as a "cimema-plex") (hope you caught that.) but fuck it! butt-fuck it! ima get phat and fat and warm. feed me chicken, i'll watch dem matrixes many times over, looking endlessly to identify with one fat person that is not in the matrix itself, but the real world. fuckin hollywood, godamn fat-jealous. "the larger the waist-band, the deeper the quicksand." - from Spinal Tap

anyway, just though i should note i "revisited the matrix" (you'll get that one if your hardxxxcore matrixxx style like neo and shit) and found it is pretty awesome if you actually follow it. otherwise it's just a bunch of awesome action and cinematography (which is cool too... if YOU'RE GAY...)

my son is gay, gay! (if you don't understand this reference, please search youtube for "my son is gay". or go back to the asterisk. if you (still) havent seen Cool Runnings OR this video i'm going to have my little brother beat the shit out of you. he goes to COLLEGE outside of CHICAGO and is built like AN ATHIEST VIN DIESEL. (also watch out he may fuck your ugly sister somewhere where i can hear it. kill me.)

thanks for playing

fat ALEC (falic)