11. Batman Returns (1992)

Batman in 1989 was way different than the current Christian Bale interpretation. Jack Nicholson's Joker was way different than dead Heath Ledger's. But it was 1989... Prince wrote/produced/performed/etc. an additional soundtrack to the movie (much like Jay-Z did with American Gangster) including the hit song "Batdance." It was simply a different time. Batman was a decent movie, and still much better than George Clooney's late-90s version (when asked if Clooney had ever played a gay or closeted role, he responded "yes, Batman.")

1992's Batman Returns was better than the first... Tim Burton's directing again and here we've got Danny DeVito (known from the hit television series "It'S AlWaYS SuNNEE iN PhILAdELPhIA," which, by the way, I think blows...) playing the orphan Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot (the Penguin,) and Michelle Pfeiffer as a bat-shit insane milk-chugging latex-stitching Batman-humping version of Catwoman that beats the christ out of Halle Barry's take (note :: i did not see Catwoman in theaters. I DID, however, buy the DVD for $2.99 and I couldn't get through the first 10 minutes of it. It's bad. Really bad.)

Unfortunately, Michael Keaton plays Batman again. He was good in Beetlejuice, but as Bruce Wayne he's kind of a silly motherfucker. Not that Bruce Wayne isn't a silly motherfucker -- I mean, the whole concept of "The Bat-Man" is really fucking silly... but somehow in the comics (where Batman was intended to live, folks) he comes off as a real serious motherfucker who seriously fights serious bad guys and the serious problems Gotham City faces... it's a haven for crime, poverty, and overall economic-meltdown-steampunk SHITE. Nobody's ever really happy in Gotham until maybe the end of the movie or maybe a huge ritzy gala up until the point where a villian barges in to make a political statement (which only becomes a political statement... really they're just tripping balls)... it's not like Superman's Metropolis and it's really not like Spidey's Forest Hills, NYC. It's just a crappy overgrown, dense-as-fuck, absurd, definitely-east-coast, dark, dirty, disturbing place. Why don't they ever show the suburbs of Gotham? Where's Gotham's New Jersey? It seems like once you enter Gotham, you never leave... and you have to deal with really insane people dressed up as penguins, cats, clowns, etc. with mechanical midget voodoo skeletons on motorcycles and robotic-equipped sewer penguins, whom the city considers "common" criminals. Tim Burton does a great job at creating this fictional world... this is not a headtrick like the Matrix... Your savior is really just a dude dressed in a bat suit. Suspend all belief and just enjoy the action and the campy dialogue and the goddamn beautiful scenery. Did I mention it was Christmas? DID I MENTION CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS IN THIS ONE? You can't really argue with that...

Also, I owned this video game, and it was really hard ::

That's some poor-boy's Gameboy shit right there. I don't even know if Gameboy was out in 1992... thanks to the internets, I could find that out right now if I decide to give a shit... Anybody else remember those Tiger games? They had one for everything. No? Ok.

I eventually got a Gameboy and eventually Christopher Nolan took over (/restarted) the Batman film series and then Heath Ledger died and maybe there'll be another one and who knows, nobody reads the comics anymore anyway. If anybody wants to talk comic books or trade paperbacks, don't be scared. Transmetropolitan is the best "book" I've read in a long time and it just so happens to have REALLY COOL PICTURES TOO. Jamesey Mamesey can offer you good suggestion on which Batman titles to pick up... I, myself, would recommend Frank Miller's the Dark Knight Returns. It's so fucking good.

Oh, and here's the real trailer for the movie... check it out. It really doesn't even look that dated so long as you aren't watching it on VHS n whatnot... ::