[est'd. 2009 A.D.]

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

2. eXistenZ (1999)

"eXistenZ. Capital X, Capital Z."

Hope you got some moist towelettes handy! Cause you're gunna need to clean off that Gamecube after you totally cyber-fuck all the MANA out of this flick's Necromancer (between games of D&D and episodes of Stargate SG1, while your mom bakes cookies downstairs and tries figure out the best way to tell you that you need to go outside and get "fresh air" and "exercise" on this "beautiful day," as she also ponders how to inquire as to your sexuality in the most casual way possible..... [she doesn't care, she just needs to know]).

Here's the rundown ::

Fuck the Matrix. Pussy-shit compared to this. Trinity ain't nothin' but a skanky, pale computer nerd compared to Allegra Gellar -- the rad-hot, mad-fine and.... very talented... video game designer.

And it's sexier than the Matrix by far. There is a scene in this movie that rivals any for hottest make-out scene ever -- and, I know, "hottest make-out scene" makes me sound like I'm 12 and it's morning and I have to wait till my mom leaves the room to get out of bed lest she see "me mighty pirate snake" (argh!) reaching out for a breath of fresh morning air. But I swear, you'll see what I mean... and you'll thank me in the morning.

It's set in an implied future. There's a video game called eXistenZ, the creator's a famous hot chick. The game system itself that eXistenZ is played on is fully immersing -- in other words, it's like the software that makes up the Matrix itself in the movie the Matrix. In even other words, for those of you built like Karl; Nintendo 64 = totally immersing, and Mario Kart = eXistenZ. When in the game, you cannot tell that it is not real. (unless you're as emo as Neo and just "like totally feeeeelll it deep down inside... there's just something about everything that's a bit off!")

This is one of those "how do you know what's really real?" movies. But I'd claim it's one of the best. Ever. And again, there is something so erotic about the whole thing. I recommend watching it with someone you want to fuck and then totally stickin' it to 'em afterwords. I would say do it during, but you need to not miss a moment.

It's also a hilarious movie, which brings it even further above the Matrix, which is the Schindler's list of "how do you know what's really real?" movies. Keanu is a pale cyborg of emotional depth. Even in the 3rd Matrix, when Trinity and Neo finally do the dirtydirty, I was underwhelmed. Computer nerds just don't do it reverse-cowgirl I guess. Bummer.

Now don't get me wrong -- I love the Matrix. It's just a very straightforward movie, mood-wise. This one's much harder to feel out. It doesn't let you shove it into one folder or rule or mood. I've seen it 3 or 4 times and really got the full gist on the 3rd trip. (Although the first time through I had to pause it because I ejaculated on myself).

WHO: The gorgeous Jennifer Jason Leigh plays Allegra Gellar, the game designer/inventor.

Jude Law plays the innocent "virgin-gamer" who is put off by the way you physically have to jack into the game system to play. You will see why -- the process involves a hole that goes directly into your spinal cord called a "port," in which you stick a... thing I cannot even explain... It turns me on, that's all I know.

This is all sounds a bit sci-fi-faggy I know. You picture it being like of of those made-for-tv Sci-fi/Syfy channel movies where you see the zipper on the tail of the weird gorgonticus-man's (or is it a woman? or...both? no wait, that's a dick I think...) costume and the acting makes that of Days of Our Lives look like a video of real people in real life. (sigh...I miss when the Real World was good...)

I digress.

Jude Law is a great character in Artificial Intelligence as well. That's the one with the boy from the Sixth Sense as a robot who everyone feels sorry for anyway cause he acts so damn real. That always confused me. Some trees look very sad on acid... and you don't see me making movies about it. But Jude Law is excellent. His character is different for him. He's... a bit of a weiner.

Enjoy. Follow closely. Notice details. It really is a trip. If you don't smoke pot, now's the time to start. if you do smoke pot, now's the time to stop (cause it will be trippy to NOT be stoned!), or move up in life onto something like psilocybon, mescalin or Nyquil (tm).

and P.S. :: the Director is David Cronenberg, who loves fucking with reality in his films. His others include the famous the Fly (starring the infamous Jeff Goldblum, who is, by the way, watching you poop, and if you don't understand the reference, fuckoff) and a movie called VideoDrome which I borrowed from a friend who lives in Connecticut. But I have yet to watch it. I just don't know if I trust someone who chooses to live in a state that screws like a fat suburb with deflated tits cause they botched the boob-job on the elder.

No offense if your tits are deflated.


lemme know what ya'll think of eXistenZ.

and yes, I know, the title sounds a lot like a penis-enlargement product. No, those don't actually work (unless you are just trying to become a more self-depricating person) but, funny you should ask, this film will, in fact, enlarge your penis -- even if you don't have one. So BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWAAAAAAREEEEE (women).


  1. Also by Cronenberg Videodrome is more about mass-media and television, although seductive in the same weird "i want to fuck technology" kind of way.

  2. eXistenZ isn't about wanting to fuck technology... it's about lettin' technology fuck YOU. hard. and you thought you didn't want it and deep down it felt unnatural but when it happens it's just better than reality and sexier than megan fox's hips because in the game there's a technofaux-megan-fox and you get the whole thing. and you can TOUCH her too! at least i think that's what Jude was thinkin... he def. got fucked by the technology..

    and the thing they put in yer "port" hole is a lot like something out of some sick japanese tentacle hentai.

    when you comin to the LAND, kristi? we got good pumpkins... they come with seeds.... they just grow like that.... on the ground... and they're orange.... and you can make pie out of them.

    who wants to make me a punkin pie?

  3. punkins already?! I'm there, like ..SOON.

    alright, so it's a matter of who's fucking who .. got it.
    the fact that Jude Law is some type of technology virgin getting virtually savaged by a video game turns me on, too much. And Videodrome does the same thing. sucks on your mind so much it makes you think yr television is in tune with every one of your deep dark perversions and you want IN like RIGHT NOW because it can scratch those itches like nothing else.

    Plus, the hallucinogenic quality of Videodrome is unreal, imagine if watching saturday morning cartoons could make you trip ..forever....
    basically what i'm saying is Cronenberg knows, he knows all about it.