"RELAXING AT THE END OF THE WORLD"

[est'd. 2009 A.D.]

Sunday, November 15, 2009

16. Cube (1997)


Cube is in my top ten favorite sci-fi movies. The premise is amazing :: 7 very different people wake up in an infinite universe made entirely of identical-looking cube-shaped rooms, each with entrances on every side (you could hit it from the back, top, side, etc... just watch out that your johnson [penis] ain't flappin in the breeze or it may get beheaded by a LASER... [if you have a vagina, make sure your labia, flip-flaps, etc., are all properly stowed.]) No one has any memory of how they got there, or any idea why they are there, or any idea how to escape. (You can also hit it "doggy-style," which is where you act like west-coast gangsta-rapper Snoop Dogg while you do it; try saying things like "my shizzle is off the hizzle forizzle, bizzle," which translates in english to "girl, my dick is the shit" in ancient ghetto, and "I do believe my wanker is quite splendid today" in British.)

Cube gets super fun when the you come to know that, although every room looks identical, many are booby-trapped with lethal killing devices of all sorts :: lasers, noxious gases, smelly rotting corpses of those who never escaped, ugly women, hot women with teeth in their vaginas*, Carlos Mencia on big screen TVs 24/7...

*Aside :: Teeth is a great movie. It's about a girl with teeth in her vagina. Fuck condoms -- just watch Teeth once a week and you'll be abstinent for years. Unless you are a girl, then you may wish you too had teeth in your vagina.

"OH YEAH? WELL MAYBE MY COCK HAS TEETH TOO"

lemme check.

nope, how sad. now I can't literally "fuck a bitch to death."

"OH YEAH? WELL MAYBE MY COCK HAS TEETH IN ITS VAGINA"

...

Cube. On the door into each cube-room are a collection of numbers. A way to beat the system? I won't tell you! I can't! No... don't tickle me! Okay fine i'll tell give you a hint :: the autistic kid is good at mathematics! See :: Rainman -- a classic film in which Tom Cruise is actually quite tolerable, although still very short in the height-sense.

Do not see the sequels to Cube. There were never meant to be sequels according to the original director. There is only one true Cube.

Aside :: "I will take the ring, though I do not know the way." - Frodo

...

Characters include an autistic boy (excellently played by the way,) a computer designer nerd-type and an angry black control freak, who I think is a cop (go figure...)

This movie is a metaphor a for a godless world. No one is there for seemingly any reason, no one seems to be in control, no one seems to be watching. The cube is just there. There is no creator, there is no answer, there is no God. No one is listening to you complain, either. The 7 chosen rats in the maze have only themselves to bicker to. And as is the tendency of humans, they are not always very helpful to eachother. The world of cubes is only a simplified version of the world we all live in -- we are all just here. We didnt ask for it, we dont always want to be here, we don't kill ourselves (mostly because we dont have enough guns or drugs,) we can't run away, we are not able to fly. We have only eachother. It's sad, it's beautiful, we all die. Crazy.

The whole movie was shot in a single cube-shaped room, even though in the movie there are seemingly never-ending cube-shaped rooms in every direction, each with its own hidden death-a-ma-jigs and killtraps (some without... the tension!)

This is the type of movie that could have been horribly executed (as many sci-fi films tend to be) because the progression of the movie is reliant on characters alone. There are no props, no setting changes, only the never-ending system of cubes, and 7 unlucky people. What's great is the acting is damn decent. You care for the characters, and better yet, they arent movie-stars -- so you are dropped into the cube not knowing anyone, just the characters as they are.

It's so simple! It's too brutal! It's a shape! It's a one-syllable word! It's a box without a lid! It's a square in 3-d (sort of)! It's a mystery! It's fun! It's sexy! It's atheistic! Diabolic! Anti-septic! Good fun for the whole family! On sale! Buy it now, take it home, wash it off, put it back on! Let bygones be bygones and be gone! Fuck the shire! This is Cube, motherfucker! Fuck Dildo Baggins and Carlos Mencia (especially Carlos Mencia!)! Up with Dave Chappelle and big skies and CUBE!

I first saw Cube when I was in a phase of seeing movies with one word titles that don't include "the" at the beginning ::

Pi
Cube
Sphere

...

It's math without class! It's violent! Did I mention it's sexy?! Lo-fat! HIGH FIBER... so you can poop real good, all one piece, send the snake deep into the lake, wake 'n' bake, toys R us, we IS you.

Don't be a boob... go see Cube!

And now a brief poem ::

my brain is a lake
in which fish don't have gills,
but lungs...
swimming faster
i look for some lunch
but tis nothing to eat
for the fish have all died
cause they couldnt fucking breathe
underwater

lub,
alec g

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